Monday, July 15, 2013

Schlockbusted #1: Sharknado!

(A quick production note: You'll notice this isn't under my normal Cinema File banner used for movie reviews, but under a brand new one that sounds vaguely similar to my Mockbusted series. That's because I've decided to take this opportunity to unveil a new review series I've been planning for a while, specifically for movies too schlocky to really fit in the Cinema File, but ones that aren't directly mockbusting any mainstream film. Unlike the Cinema File, there will be no year old cut off date, so this will be my chance to explore the schlock of the recent past, mostly from the dark and fun side of Netflix and Hulu Plus. First up, I thought it was only fitting that I pop my Schlockbusted cherry with a movie everyone's rightfully excited about - Sharknado!)

It's here everybody!

Yes, Sharknado has finally come and gone, and now its time to survey the damage and count the dead. Its a few thousand sharks suffocating out of water, one unnecessarily dickish boyfriend, a side character I didn't really care about anyway, and the dad from Home Alone, if you're interested. But that's not the point. The point is, there was a movie that was made about a tornado with sharks in it, that based on the rules of tornado movies and shark movies launched said sharks from said tornado, directly at a succession of fleeing victims. This is the Asylum at its silliest and at its best, giving us all what we know we want, but don't want to admit to wanting so bad and so hard. Many will laugh and take solace in the fact that they are only appreciating it ironically, maintaining their detached hipster credibility, but in the back of their minds, they will be unable to deny the obvious awesomeness that is Sharknado!

Sharknado follows a group of beach dwelling survivors of what begins as a Sharkicane, a hurricane that sends sharks leaping into the now flooded California coast town of Whogivesafuckville. We get characters that relate to each other in various ways and who I assume have various motivations that drive their actions, all of which is incidental to the fact the freaking sharks are leaping at them out of a freaking hurricane. Now, for much of the movie, one might be justified in crying false advertising, because we didn't come to see Sharkicane, we came to see Sharknado. Regrettably, this is the film's main flaw, namely that outside of a quick and effective prologue, the titular Sharknado only shows up in the last half hour. But then, the title only suggests one Sharknado, and we ultimately get three of them, and its easily the greatest half hour of cinema produced so far this year, so you have to forgive the lead up to it.

This is the kind of movie that I hesitate to spoil, and yet I don't think I can, because if you're not sold by the title and the premise, you're not going to see it anyway, and if you are, you've probably already seen it. Cousin Oliver from The Brady Bunch (or Dr. Zee for my fellow Battlestar 1980 fans out there) makes a pun and then gets smashed by the Hollywood sign (an Asylum fixture along with Mt. Rushmore). A man leaps into the mouth of a shark in mid-air while carrying a chainsaw, then saws his way out not only to save himself, but to save his girlfriend who also happened to be swallowed by the same shark after she fell out of a helicopter into its mouth. Bait 3D wowed me with one shotgun blast to a shark's face, and while that movie's budget allowed that one scene to be more well-made than anything in this movie, this movie does that like twenty times.

Yes, would I have liked more Sharknadoes in my Sharknado movie? Certainly, but that doesn't mean that the level of Sharknado I got wasn't immensely satisfying. I shouldn't have to say anymore about this. If you haven't already, go see Sharknado. Look up when they're gonna re-run it, or watch it on your DVR if you have it, and if you don't, build a time machine so you can go back to last Thursday, slap yourself in the face for not DVRing it, and then DVR it. And then watch it, again and again as I have. And once you've achieved a movie orgasm the likes of which you've never experienced before, watch it again. Its a tornado, but with sharks in it. For godsakes man, what more do you want!?!

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