Don't Put Your Dick In That - A Guide To The Perils Of Supernatural Dating: Part One, Mermaids

Seriously, who doesn't want to fuck a mermaid?

Okay, realistically, probably a lot of people, but that doesn't change the fact that the idea of these nubile young water nymphs and their secret sexual ways has fascinated gross horny gentlemen such as myself for untold ages. Think Bo Derek in Ten or Jacqueline Bisset in The Deep, only, you know, with fish parts. Hell, the whole legend comes from a salty sailor's long felt desire for betwixt harbor nooky, slaving away on a ship for months, in need of some love and affection after the peg boys have all been used up. According to a half remembered factoid I misheard one time, they would often mistake manatees for beautiful sea maidens after so long on the water. Not sure how that squared with the "No Fatties" rule most Captains wisely instituted on their ships, but to each his own I guess.

The point is, today I want to talk about fucking mermaids, and because regrettably I have no real world personal experience in this particular esoteric fetish, instead I'd like to explore some of the logistical problems with the concept. Now, I know the first thing you're probably thinking of, the classic top half/bottom half paradox. The part of the mermaid you find attractive is the top half, but the bottom is fish, so you can't have sex with it, and if the situation was reversed, you could go buck wild, but you'd have to look at that creepy ass giant fish head while you're doing it. Personally, I would submit that either scenario is easily doable, either through a massage of the Russian variety or simply by politely asking your partner to turn around respectively, but luckily, modern cinema has taught us that we need not even concern ourselves with these petty problems.