Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Don't Put Your Dick In That - A Guide To The Perils Of Supernatural Dating: Part One, Mermaids

Seriously, who doesn't want to fuck a mermaid?

Okay, realistically, probably a lot of people, but that doesn't change the fact that the idea of these nubile young water nymphs and their secret sexual ways has fascinated gross horny gentlemen such as myself for untold ages. Think Bo Derek in Ten or Jacqueline Bisset in The Deep, only, you know, with fish parts. Hell, the whole legend comes from a salty sailor's long felt desire for betwixt harbor nooky, slaving away on a ship for months, in need of some love and affection after the peg boys have all been used up. According to a half remembered factoid I misheard one time, they would often mistake manatees for beautiful sea maidens after so long on the water. Not sure how that squared with the "No Fatties" rule most Captains wisely instituted on their ships, but to each his own I guess.

The point is, today I want to talk about fucking mermaids, and because regrettably I have no real world personal experience in this particular esoteric fetish, instead I'd like to explore some of the logistical problems with the concept. Now, I know the first thing you're probably thinking of, the classic top half/bottom half paradox. The part of the mermaid you find attractive is the top half, but the bottom is fish, so you can't have sex with it, and if the situation was reversed, you could go buck wild, but you'd have to look at that creepy ass giant fish head while you're doing it. Personally, I would submit that either scenario is easily doable, either through a massage of the Russian variety or simply by politely asking your partner to turn around respectively, but luckily, modern cinema has taught us that we need not even concern ourselves with these petty problems.

The solution? Well, bullshit magic basically. The two modern examples of hot fuckable mermaids are The Little Mermaid, and Splash, both positing a "best of both worlds" situation where mermaids can lose their tales, sprout legs (and more importantly for this discussion, pelvises) and walk among humans, and in both cases, and therefore I must assume all cases, they do this for the sole purpose of above sea-level boning. Seems like a perfect opportunity, doesn't it? Wrong! And that's the problem, it's so deceptive. You think to yourself, "I've already got my dick out, this sounds so promising, what could possibly be the issue here?" Well, let me tell you, based on my complete lack of experience and vast knowledge of movie cliches, lots. That's what.

Let's take the more innocuous example first, The Little Mermaid. Here, not only do you have a beautiful young woman fresh out of the water, but you have the added bonus of her inability to nag, what with her voice being stolen by the monstrous sea hag whose infernal magic allowed for the transformation in the first place. Or is it that simple? Remember, later in the film, the antagonist Ursula takes human form as well, and also tries to seduce the Prince (he was a Prince right? Aren't they all Princes?). How do you know that that hot mermaid lady trying to mack on you is the fresh faced ingenue who just wants a part of your world (i.e. your penis), and not just an illusion concealing a creature of darkness? Now, as I have proven on episode 3 of my amazing podcast, Ursula was not in fact evil, however she was very much a fatty, which is pretty much just as bad. How would you like to be consummating your marriage to the woman you just met a few days ago who came out of the ocean, and all of a sudden the magic fades and your looking up at the mom from Hairspray with octopus tentacles?

And even if it does turn out to be the good one, i.e. the non-horrifying one, there's still the problem of acclimation. I'm not just talking about learning social cues and which fork to use for your salad at fancy parties. I'm talking basic human life stuff. Most fish are used to eating just by floating into things and hoping they are edible, and then shitting it out where ever they happen to be, and one assumes fish people would be similar. You'd have to teach her how to feed herself, clothe herself, and yes, wipe herself, that is if she doesn't fall and break her new legs the first day out without having any experience with bipedal motion. And on the poo front, a lot of fish have no compunction about eating the shit of other fish. Try looking at your new girlfriend in a sexual context after she applies that practice to her now fellow humans! And even if none of that holds true and she's perfectly normal, she's still only attracted to you because you were the first thing she saw on dry land, representing the thing she never saw before. That works out fine if you're a handsome Prince, but if you're just some guy, chances are the first better option she sees, which is to say the next person she sees, will send her off in search of better companionship.

Ron Howard's classic romantic comedy Splash adds yet another wrinkle to this already complicated scenario. Splash introduces the idea that while a mermaid can temporarily transform her tail into legs and feet, this process can be easily reversed if her legs get wet. Now, forgetting for a moment that there is always moisture in the atmosphere and the question of how much humidity counts as wet contact (I don't want to get into a Signs argument here), imagine what this would do to her sex life with the guy from Joe Vs. The Volcano (and, because I have a link to it, Cloud Atlas). More to the point, imagine the risk to him and his most important of fleshy organs. Here you're making hot passionate love to Darryl Hannah, the juices start flowing, and all of a sudden, BOOM, fish tale. Talk about a mood killer.

And you better hope the mood is all that gets killed. Maybe the sweat generated between the two bodies is enough to trigger the change prematurely, you hope, because the alternative is you keep going, you finish, and then just as you have what might be the best orgasm of your life, your own semen betrays you, and your dick is stuck in a mass of scales. That is, if it isn't instantly severed, as with the closing of a wormhole (on your penis). With all the talk in that movie of never going back once you follow her into the ocean, I was going to go into this whole other track of the possibility that she might be evil and leading you to your death at sea, possibly involving Cthulu, but I don't even think that's necessary at this point. You will lose your dick inside of a fish. Trust me man, it's not worth it!

Seriously, I'm telling you, Don't Put Your Dick In That!
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