Tuesday, January 1, 2013

From The Idea Hole: Nazisploitation Edition!

I love Nazis.

Okay, that probably sounded really bad. What I mean to say is, out of all the possible villains you could have in a movie that have a connection to the real world, you can't do any better than Nazis. As insensitive as it no doubt is to those who lived through the Holocaust or have family history steeped in it, there's just something almost unbelievable and even otherworldly about the idea that something that crazily evil actually existed. This disconnect is probably why Nazis lend themselves so well to genre movies.

I recently reviewed the Asylum film Nazis At The Center Of The Earth, a horror mockbuster of another film called Iron Sky about Nazis on the moon. The fact that either of these movies were made, let alone both of them, and that they were inspired by a real group of people so fucked up that making them zombies or spacemen does not require much suspension of disbelief, is a testament to how captivatingly bizarre they are as a narrative device. Nazis are the dark twisted version of the same impulse that makes Lincoln inherently awesome in a heroic pop culture context.

 Inspired by Nazis At The Center Of The Earth and Iron Sky, and my love for this sub-genre we now call Nazisploitation movies in general, I thought I'd try my hand at pitching a few of my own high concept Nazi romps. I hope you enjoy this brief creative excursion, and take it for the harmless fun that it is intended to be, and not something horribly offensive. Enjoy -

1: The Fuhrertastic Voyage

A common complaint I have with a lot of Nazisploitation movies is that very few of them actually have the balls to involve Hitler himself. As you may have read, when I watched Puppet Master 3 and saw how an opportunity for some awesome evil puppet Hitler was so wasted, I vowed that if I ever got the chance to make a movie with Nazis in it, I wouldn't skimp on the Adolf. This one is set during the war, and finds Hitler near death from a mysterious illness.

Cut to a scientist in America who has just perfected a vessel that can shrink down to microscopic size, designed to attack disease from the inside and cure illnesses traditional methods can't. The scientist is kidnapped and brought to Germany, and along with a handpicked crew of Nazi officers is forced to enter Hitler's body and discover what is killing him. Being a doctor, our hero can't refuse to save a life, even if it is Hitler, but along the way, we find out that one of the Nazi crewmen is actually an American spy who tries to sabotage the effort, even if it means they all die in the process. Unbeknownst to them, the scientist's wife is secretly an assassin sent to finish the Fuhrer off by any means necessary, unaware that if she accomplishes her mission, her husband will never survive.

2: Attack Of The Hitleroids!

This one is kind of based on the movie Contact, with a little bit of Ghostbusters thrown in, and when I said I like to put Hitler in these things, I meant it. The basic idea is that the signal from the Olympics seen in Contact, the one strong enough to reach alien life before anything else that happens to feature Hitler's visage, finds a warlike alien civilization who takes it as an invitation to come to Earth and conquer it. These particular aliens have no natural solid form, but instead, like Gozor from Ghostbusters, take on a form chosen by their victims, in this case, an army of killer Hitlers!

My other idea along this similar concept was sort of a Boys From Brazil sequel, where the scientists involved in the plot to clone Hitler take their case to the Supreme Court and win. As a result, it becomes legal to clone Hitler as much as one wants, and as long as the cloned Hitlers commit no crimes, they must be treated as full fledged citizens of the country. We would then reveal a secret conspiracy to clone as many Hitlers as possible not to form an army, but rather, a voting bloc to elect a Hitler clone as President of the United States!

3: Robillsa, Cyber She Wolf Of The S.S.

This one is less about Hitler, and focuses more on another passion I have when it comes to this genre - the sexy evil Nazi commandant lady. My fetish for sexy Nazis has been mentioned several times on his blog, and the absence of this important element was my one big problem with both Iron Sky and Nazis At The Center Of The Earth (and the one thing Puppet Master X Axis Rising had over both films).

The idea is simple, Ilsa, She Wolf Of The SS, Harem Keeper of the Oil Sheiks, Tigress of Siberia, and all around Wicked Warden returns, recast with a younger and appropriately busty actress, kept alive and eternally young (and busty) via cybernetics exposed across one half of her body like the Terminator. She returns to the present day first appearing completely human, posing as a Warden of an American prison, using the institution's resources for a secret project, revealed to be a giant robotic Hitler monster, with whom she has fallen in love. Did I mention she'd have really big boobs? Cyber boobs. Cyboobs. 

4: Eight Days Of Night - Fangs Of The Fuhrer

I've talked about my idea for Eight Days Of Night before, basically a twist on the classic vampire tale with Hasidic Jewish vampire hunters instead of the same old boring Catholic priest fighting the undead. This would be a prequel to that movie, exploring the initial formation of the Order of David. fighting against the Nazis as they explore vampirism to make their fuhrer immortal. The result is Hasidic ninjas vs. Vampire Hitler. No frills, but to up the stakes for the second outing, the Nazis combat Star of David throwing stars with their own razor sharp Swastika shurikens.

5: Shitler

This idea is essentially a supernatural serial killer movie inspired by the grand tradition of 90's schlock where anything and everything could come to life and kill people, from Leprechauns to Snowmen. Here, Hitler himself escapes from Hell to commit a string of heinous murders. The twist, as a punishment for his evil life, in Hell he was given a form more in keeping with this dark soul, a body that he returns in, made entirely of living human feces. He is now Shitler, a kind of killer not seen since Monsturd, only much cooler, cause its Hitler. He's on the run from the hosts of Hell, and must continually kill to maintain his purchase on this world, smothering his victims in smelly horror. 

6: The Thing With Two Heads, Part Two: In Which One Of Them Is Very Unfortunate

If you've never seen the classic Blaxsploitation movie The Thing With Two Heads, it follows Rosey Grier as a death row inmate forced to undergo a procedure whereupon the disembodied head of an old white racist Ray Miland is stitched onto his broad shoulders, prompting hilarity and biting social commentary to ensue. This proposed sequel would have a similar scenario, only with Hitler's head transplanted onto a bad ass agent of the Israeli army. Now hunted by his own people, he must protect his greatest enemy in order to protect his own life until he can reverse his situation, all while Hitler learns a valuable lesson about tolerance.

Along these lines, I was also thinking Hitlershark! A "Don't Go Into The Water" movie about a shark controlled by the evil transplanted brain of Adolf Hitler. Alternatively, I could go with Hitlersaurus, the Hitlerfied T-Rex, or Grizzitler or Arachnafuhrer, in which Hitler's head is sewn onto the body of a bear or metallic spider legs are attached to his neck stump respectively. Really any scenario in which Hitler's brain, either in or out of his disembodied head, is incorporated into the body of some predatory animal, prompting hilarity and biting social commentary to ensue.

So that's it for my Nazispoitation kick, at least for now. I hope you enjoyed it. Stay tuned for my next esoteric obsession and the resulting unnecessary focus upon it. I'm thinking either Bigfoot or Lizard People.


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