Five Oldschool Toys I'd Adapt Into Movies

A little while ago, I read an article online about how there were plans to make a movie based on the toy Stretch Armstrong. The jist of the article was that Twilight star Taylor Lautner, who had previously been attached to the project, was now no longer going to be playing the elastic superhero. My first thought was that we had really dodged a bullet on that one. My second thought was, why the fuck do I care about who plays Stretch fucking Armstrong?

Do I have some sort of special attachment to this character or any reason whatsoever to invest emotionally in this production? Do I have cause to hold as sacred the vast and complicated mythology and canon of the storyline from the commercials for this fucking toy? Did I even have this toy growing up? My weird and arbitrary overreaction aside, this thought process eventually led me to start thinking about what other toys I'd like to see made into movies. Then I couldn't think of anything, so I went on Wikipedia and found some at random. Enjoy!

1: Monsters In My Pocket

Two armies of supernatural creatures, many based on classic movie monsters, do battle right under our noses, one side led by Frankenstein (the monster, not the scientist), the other by Dracula. At least I think that was the basic plot. If I remember correctly, there was a cartoon that went along with this, but I don't quite recall all the details. I'd scrap the original mythos and tie it in even more closely to the Universal series by expanding on their origin, making the monsters once normal sized, until they were shrunk down and locked away for decades by Dr. Pretorious in order to save the world from the collateral damage caused by their war. Now awakened in the present day in the home of a suburban family, they continue their feud. It would be like Small Soldiers, only smaller, and bloodier.

From The Idea Hole - Fun And Games Edition: Lair, Cartel, Mad World, and Creature Shop

I was walking through the toy aisle at Big Lots this morning, killing time waiting for the Chinese Buffet to open for my annual Thanksgiving tradition of gorging and self-pity, and I found myself lamenting the current state of toys and games for kids. I don't know if its just the flawed tint of nostalgia, that the past looks better because only the best shit survives and all the middling crap is forgotten, but I can't help but think that toys were just better when I was a kid. I've railed against this impulse before on this blog, and I'm almost certain this is just a function of my not being in a position to know what's good from what's bad, but it made me kind of sad nonetheless. As I leafed through the Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides action figures, noting no Captain Jack Sparrows, but a number of Penelope Cruz dolls and one nameless Spanish Soldier, I felt like Tom Hanks in Big, in the board meeting, wondering what kid would want to play with this boring crap. More to the point, it reminded me of a few ideas I've had over the years for board games and toy lines that will never be produced.