So, I
just watched Abominable Snowman starring a bunch of people you've
never heard of and poor man's Highlander Adrian Paul. At one point
towards the end, a giant furry snow creature hangs out of the open
door of a rapidly plummeting helicopter, and our drunken hero pilot
screams “Get that ugly Chewbacca off my damn helicopter!”
prompting another character to comply by throwing a live grenade in
its mouth. Yep, we're into the Syfy Channel Original Movies again.
How sweet it is.
Abominable
Snowman is exactly the kind of movie you no doubt assume it is if you
haven't already seen it, a group of people in a snowy locale beset by
giant hairy carnivorous monsters. Just when I thought I might have
gotten a brief respite from the low end of the Syfy spectrum as seen
in Flying Monkeys after the far more enjoyable Heebie Jeebies, here
we go again with another schlocky throwaway that seems to think it
can be justified purely on the title, without actually trying to be
entertaining.
I'm not
asking for Winnie and her makeshift flamethrower or anything (though
as with any movie, that would have made this a hell of a lot more
awesome), but just give me something to latch onto so that the bad
CGI creature effects aren't the highlight. Even Flying Monkeys, as
much as it was sort of slow moving and ultimately underwhelming, was
never outright boring, and the brief twist with their ability to
duplicate added something of interest. Here the big reveal is that
when you think there's only one of them, there are actually two.
Riveting!
The
cast is whatever you would call one notch below one note. Is zero
note a thing? They suck is my point. We split up the action between
two leaders and a girl, the rest being basically monster fodder, with
one of the main guys crazily stupid, the other comically wooden, and
the girl taking on the role of too many female protagonists in these
movies: flighty damsel. And you'll note that none of these characters
is Adrian Paul, who might be loosely considered the draw of the movie
if you gave a shit about that crappy Highlander show from the 90's,
which I don't. He's actually a relatively minor character, which
seems like a deliberate “fuck you” to what I assume is the film's
intended audience of people who like terrible things.
Abominable
Snowman is easily the worst Syfy Original I've seen so far in my
current retrospective of the network's recent films, and the first
one that I would outright advise that you skip over, even if you're as
much of a die hard fan as I am. The fact that we got through five
before I could actually say that is actually a bit surprising, and
enough of a solace to keep me going through this experiment, but that
doesn't make this piece of shit any better. Okay, moving on to the
next one.
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