Thursday, April 4, 2013

This Is A Thing That Exists!: The Oogieloves In The Big Balloon Adventure.

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I have borne witness to the mouth of madness, and it is The Oogieloves In The Big Balloon Adventure. There are no words fit to describe just how this movie made me feel. This strange amalgam of thoughts and emotions coalescing in my brain attempting in vain to make some sort of sense and judgement concerning what I just experienced is spiraling out of control like that kid from the end of Akira, only with my cerebellum as the giant exploding tumor baby thing. This movie is what turns Cthulu's hair white. Spitting in the face of centuries of biblical philosophy attempting to prove the existence of a loving God, and proving once and for all that no matter what we do, the human race is doomed, this, is a thing, That Exists!

I don't even know where to start with this thing. Well, I guess I'll just explain why I watched it in the first place. See, I'm an idiot, in case you didn't realize that at any point, and as an idiot, it stupidly occurred to me that my new found station as an amateur movie critic obligated me to sit down and watch the film that currently holds the record for lowest grossing theatrical release. So I did, and now what little hope I had in life has officially been crushed under the boot heel of three creepy as fuck mascots doing the Oogieloves dance on the corpse of my dreams. Their names are Goofie, Toofie, and Fuck If I Care, I think, or maybe I'm misremembering that, because grey matter is quickly seeping out of my ears.

These three miserable creatures are on a mission to save the five last magical balloons in all of Loveliloveland, after they were lost by their bumbling friend J. Edgar Hoover the living vacuum cleaner on his way to deliver them for the surprise party of their mutual friend Schlufy, the narcoleptic living pillow. I would like to stress that none of that is even the least bit inaccurate. That is the plot of this movie. Now, you're probably thinking to yourself, "why of course it would sound strange, because we're not fans of the show this is based on, so we don't have the prior relationship with these characters and this universe to appreciate how it all comes together logically." Well fuck you hypothetical judgmental reader, because that's just it, there is no show or other property that this is based on!

That's right, they just made this shit independently and put it into theaters. According to the wikipedia page, the creator, also the man responsible for Americanizing the Telletubbies, was inspired to make an interactive movie for kids after seeing a Tyler Perry Madea movie and marveling at how all the African American audience members would yell stuff at the screen. As someone who has seen all of the Tyler Perry Madea movies, I will grant that watching them inspired me to do a lot of horrible things to myself and the world, but nothing quite as god awful as producing a movie like this. If you can get past the soulless dead eyes of these Oogiethings and the nefariously creepy smile of their sentient glass nanny/Orwellian Spy machine Windy The Window, then you will find that you have exerted a great deal of your mental strength and sanity for no gain whatsoever.

Oh, and did I mention the star studded cast? Yes, this movie actually got real actors, many of whom you might have even liked and respected before seeing them in this movie. Cloris Leachman, legendary and beloved film actress, loves dots or some shit. Chazz Palminteri teaches us how to moo for a pickle flavored milkshake. Toni Braxton rubs her vagina because apparently its what to do when you're sick with the flu. Jaime Pressly and Christopher Lloyd show up as a husband and wife team of flamenco dancers in a giant floating hat powered by dancing. And Cary Elwes, for the love of God, there is nothing I can say to prepare you for what the Dread Pirate Roberts has been reduced to. His turn as a bubble crazy cowboy with rickets and I assume a severe mental disability must simply be seen to be believed.

And if that weren't enough, you would think that at the very least the movie might try to be good for kids. The lessons this movie teaches are simply horrifying. When the precocious one who loves letting his pants fall down in public climbs a tree to get the first balloon, he looks back down to realize how high up he is, and just when you think they couldn't possibly do what you're thinking in a movie that deliberately tells kids to imitate what's on screen, he fucking jumps out of the tree using a flimsy balloon to slow his fall. And it only gets worse from there. They top it off by doing the Oogieloves dance for Schlufy for his birthday, which is all about all the stuff you can do with your arms and legs, which Schlufy of course does not have, leaving him to just sit and wish for the next sleep to be his last.

Oh God, I almost forgot about the songs. So many of the songs in this movie are beyond simple, well past the point where you would forgive them for trying to keep them understandable for kids. When your theme song is "We're The Oogieloves" just sung over and over again, you're not playing to kids, your assuming they're stupid. This whole movie assumes that the children of America are incredibly vapid and lacking completely in any self awareness whatsoever. I certainly hope its wrong, and while I tend to reject the notion that box office performance has anything to do with the moral or intellectual capacity of the movie going public, I want to believe it in this instance.

Fuck this movie. Fuck this movie harder then The Master should have been fucked. Fuck it with a thousand dicks in all the colors of the rainbow. Fuck it gang bang style with all those Yo Gabba Gabba monsters, and that creepy big chin guy from LazyTown for good measure. The Oogieloves And The Big Balloon Adventure broke me, as I can only imagine it would do to any child sat in front of it to distract them from their shitty parents lack of love for them. And that probably sounds really horrible, but any parent who subjects their child to this is a terrible parent. That's just it.

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