Monday, March 4, 2013

The Cinema File #129: "Bullet To The Head" Review

I actually watched this new Stallone crime movie a while ago, but I've been putting off writing my review for it, mostly because I've been having some trouble translating my thoughts into words fit to describe exactly how I feel about it. Every time I try to articulate my reaction to the movie, it just comes out as a sort of low guttural moan of apathetic noncommittal tones, like if you shrugged, but maybe it was kind of difficult, so you had to strain, exerting just the teensiest bit of effort to express how little you cared about something. Now that I think about it, its a sound not unlike the incomprehensible slurring of the film's star through much of the movie, which in the grand scheme of things is only a minor problem with Bullet To The Head.

The story to the extent that I can pain myself to give a shit follows Stallone as a hitman with a conscience who teams up with the dumbest and most annoying rookie cop in the world to track down an assassin, running afoul of some 80's action movie cliches, and then some more 80's action movie cliches. Yeah, I'm sorry, I don't even know if I have the energy for this one, and the only thing that I can latch on to is that I'm fairly certain the makers of this film were as devoid of passion for making it as I am for reviewing it. Its the blueprint of every bland cookie cutter crime movie in the last thirty years, filled in with the cinematic equivalent of a paint by numbers set, with no style or sophistication, and not one moment of distinction to set any of it apart from anything else.

I can't even bring myself to care enough to be mad at how boring this movie is. I nothing this movie. I nothing the crap out of this movie. In the opening scene, Stallone spares a women he should have killed, noticing a tattoo on her back that we later find out is similar to a tattoo on his daughter's back. We obviously make the connection right away that the reminder of his child softened him in this moment, but the rookie cop notices this too, and has to point it out as if we're idiots. I want to be angry that the movie thinks I'm too stupid to put something like that together, but by that point, I've been so beaten down by bleh that I simply don't have the strength to be outraged. This is a movie so lacking in intensity that it has Mr. Eko and Khal Drago as bad guys, and neither of them are even the least bit threatening! I honestly don't know how that even happens.

I try to at least hit five paragraphs for a review, mostly because the five paragraph theme structure was drilled into my head in elementary school, but I've literally got nothing else to add. The movie doesn't suck, and it isn't good. It just is, like a block of Tofu or Casper Van Dien. There's really nothing offensively bad in it sufficient for me to insist that you avoid it, and I guess if you are a big enough Stallone fan you might be able to overlook the utter void where an interesting story should be, but I can't think of any reason to see it either. Wait, that's not true, the opening production logos have this cool bullet effect thing. So that's something. Other than that, meh. A thousand times meh.
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