Friday, January 4, 2013

Why They Don't Let Me Write For DC Comics: Superman's Darkest Secret

How does Superman take a shit?

Okay, this sounds like a really crass point, but seriously, think about it. I don't mean picture it, but rather, consider the consequences of an indestructible man shitting. Specifically, I don't mean the act itself, which I imagine would come easily to a man who can leap tall buildings in a single bound (though hopefully not doing both simultaneously). I mean, what does he do with the poo?

That may seem like a question that has an obvious answer, but would not Superman's poo, solid biological matter from his own organ system, be as indestructible as everything else within that system? Put simply, how does one dispose of superhuman waste made from the same stuff that can stop a bullet? You couldn't flush that shit, it would destroy even the sturdiest of toilets, and even if you had one specially made, it would eventually get to a point in the plumbing system where it would clog up the pipes. It's possible that his Antarctic home has a special system that sends it directly into the ocean, but eventually even that would build up, and being the Earth loving environmentalist that he is, I can't believe Superman would be willing to do that.

Why is this image on the internet?
He couldn't just be shitting in the woods, not simply because it would be bad PR if anyone ever saw him do it, but because I would think someone would have stumbled across some by now, as it would never degrade. Maybe he stores it in some out of the way place that no one ever goes like the top of an unclimbable mountain peak, but then you have the environmental concern again; he would have to come up with a more permanent solution. At first I thought maybe he was burning it with his heat vision, much like he uses said heat vision reflected in the bathroom mirror every morning to shave, but then I'm pretty sure that was just from the Bruce Timm cartoon, so its probably not canon, and even then the fumes would likely kill the ozone layer in minutes.

Why is this on the internet!?
The way I see it, he has two options. The first possibility is that he chucks it into space, but with all the alien races populating the DC universe, you'd think someone would have complained about Kryptonian mini-meteors by now. Plus, that means he's at least picking up his own shit and handling it prior to throwing it, or maybe even shitting into his own hands every time, which just seems undignified for someone as stalwart and all-American as the Man of Steel. The other possibility, and here's the one I really like, is that to solve this perplexing issue, somewhere deep within the Fortress of Solitude is a room that the world's greatest hero has constructed out of alien crystals for the sole purpose of containing every poop he's ever taken, or ever will take.

Okay, seriously, Superman pooping is a meme?
Why aren't there more storylines involving the incredibly interesting consequences of Superman's bowel movements? It just seems like a no-brainer to me. Let's say Lex Luthor or some other enterprising bad guy finds the hidden cache of super poo and decides to steal it and use it as a weapon. Indestructible poo missiles that can tear through anything. Or you could expose the poo to green kryptonite to temporarily loosen it just long enough to mold it into armor plating, which would solidify as soon as the kryptonite was taken away, outfitting an entire army of soldiers with a lifetime supply of Superman's own feces.

Now he's shitting rainbows...?
 Of course, now that you've brought kryptonite into it and established that it has the same effects on Superman's poo as it does on Superman, you've opened up a whole host of new possibilities. Does red kryptonite mutate supershit, turning each log into little bullet proof shit monsters? Does black kryptonite split them into good poo and evil poo? Does blue kryptonite only effect Bizarro Superman's poo consistency? Fuck, I forgot about Bizarro. Presumably his shit is as super as Superman's, but I can't imagine he would take the same care with its disposal as Superman would. How has the universal ecological disaster of Bizarro's waste not destroyed countless worlds by now? And speaking of ecological concerns, if Superman's poo absorbs solar energy just like Superman's body does, you'd think it would be the perfect solution to our energy crisis, creating an inexhaustible alternative to the various logistical drawbacks of traditional solar power if you could harness it safely. Instead of the Quest for Peace, you could have the Quest for Poo!

How are there TWO pictures of this?
Now, all of this is predicated on the assumption that Superman's poop takes on the same qualities as Superman, which has its own problems. Does anything processed through Superman's digestive system become super? If the Atom shrinks himself down and travels through Supe's colon, will he come out of his asshole with superthick skin? For that matter, he may not even poop at all. Maybe he just clenches really hard and turns it into diamonds, which would make things easier, but probably should give Lois some concerns about that engagement ring, not to mention it would have a disastrous effect on the diamond market should this shiny poo ever make it into circulation.

Or maybe he shits in the clouds.
Okay, you know what, I've realized this is all pretty ridiculous. Clearly, if we've established that superpoo can be softened with kryptonite, it would be easy enough to line his pipes with the stuff and then just reinforce his toilet with lead to protect himself. Actually, now that I think about it, he could always just use the Phantom Zone. It's an infinite universe full of nothing but evil motherfuckers, I don't think he'd have much of a moral issue using the place as an inter-dimensional outhouse. Granted, it does present the risk that General Zod might reach up a shitstained hand every once in a while and snap at his superballs, but the guy's got superspeed, so I think that's negligible.

Yeah, on second thought, this isn't as big of a mystery as I thought. Probably good to just forget all of that stuff I just said.

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