It seems like every other movie about Christmas seems to be about someone needing to save it, whether its Ernest, The Heat Miser, or even Santa's own brother Fred. That, and of course the War on Christmas. You'd think someone would see this pattern and figure out some sort of system for dealing with this shit before it gets to the night of and we're relying on the Hey Vern guy. That's the premise of my series, and it's called -
Saving Santa
In a world where the fate of Christmas is constantly under threat, needing to be saved at the last minute so that Santa's annual sleigh-ride goes off without a hitch, an elite team of Holiday-themed misfit superheroes has been assembled to protect the season by any means necessary.
Suggested Taglines:
Meet The New Soldiers In The War On Christmas
or, alternatively,
Tis The Season, Motherfuckers
The Core Team:
The Krampus (AKA, 'K') - A leather jacket clad, Hellboy-esque demonic anti-hero with a set of customized coal firing pistols. Originally a full-blooded demon named Krampusanta, his power was stolen by Santa Claus, then a human wizard, and the de-powered creature was made a slave, originally going along with Santa on his yearly ride to punish the naughty children with coal as Santa gave the good ones presents. A bad night and a few murdered children later, the Krampus' memory was wiped and he was imprisoned, only to be released years later to lead the Santa Squad, with only a vague memory of once being a part of Santa's sleigh crew.
Mrs. Claus - Blond, busty immortal twenty something young wife of Santa Claus, given eternal life and youth by her covenant with her husband. Trapped in a loveless marriage of convenience, she formed the Santa Squad to have some sort of relevance beyond baking cookies and satisfying her drunken evil man.
Sid the Elf and Mr. Manything - A surly elf toy inventor who created the nutcracker and the wooden rocking horse, but was demoted to shoveling shit in the Reindeer stables after inventing the perfect toy. His prototype, Mr. Manything, could transform into any kind of toy, and thus threatened to put the workshop out of business if it was ever stolen by the toy companies. Now as part of the Santa Squad, he uses it as an all purpose transformable weapon.
Professor Buttons - An inanimate spirit existing as a magic top hat and pair of buttons that when placed onto the head and eyes of anything cold and human shaped, brings it to life. Originally discovered as a child's magical living snowman friend, he was eventually used the following summer to bring the boy's dead father back to life, only to be run out of town by villagers with torches. He now moves from corpse to corpse until they rot and he is forced to find a new one.
Abominababe - A cryptozoologist studying Yetis at the North Pole who was mortally injured in an avalanche, only to be brought back to life by arcane Yeti science. Left on the doorstep of the closest human-ish colony, Santa's Village, she discovered that she has Yeti blood, and transforms into a massive hairy snow beast whenever her emotions become too intense. Unable to return to her old life due to her condition, she becomes the newest member of the team.
Supporting Cast/Rogues Gallery
Santa Claus - An ancient warlock who stole immortality and a wealth of dark magic from an even more ancient demon called Krampusanta, which gave him power, but also bound him to an annual sleigh ride. A conceit of the series would be that once a magical being becomes sufficiently powerful, the universe maintains balance by imposing artificial limitations, and his is a need to travel the world once a year and reward good children with presents, or lose his powers. He doesn't want to do this, and spends most of his time drunk and whoring about the rest of the year. Should he ever die, the loss of something that's been alive so long could risk de-stablizing the universe, which is why so many evil beings seek to stop him from fulfilling his yearly duty.
The Ex-Mrs. Clauses - The main antagonists of the first story, a cadre of Santa Claus' many ex-wives, who retain their immortality, but lost their eternal youth in their divorces. Now impossibly old crones out for revenge, they kidnap Santa, not to stop Christmas, but to lure the latest Mrs. Claus to them and steal her youth. The oldest is practically skeletal, left by Santa after she became pregnant with his child. She would manage to steal enough youth from Mrs. Claus to carry the baby to term.
Son of Santa - The demonic progeny of Santa Claus and his first wife, brought back to life by youth stolen from the current Mrs. Claus, who aged rapidly into an adult just after his birth and commands the same dark powers as his father. He would be the main antagonist of the second arc, forming a massive corporation to finish the global commercialization of Christmas to the point where Santa's mission is completely unnecessary, as part of a plot to end the world.
Virginia - A girl who has the miraculous power to reshape the world based on her belief system. Her almost losing faith in the existence of Santa Claus as a child nearly erased him from the world, prompting the Santa Squad to form for the first time. Now an adult, she has mastered her ability to believe things in and out of existence and uses it to become a capricious demigoddess.
Jesus Christ - The Son of God, who returns from the dead, not to begin the apocalypse, but rather to reclaim his birthday from the demonically powered Santa Claus, sparking a holy war.
The Order of David - Inspired by Eight Days Of Night, a secret order of Hasidic Jewish vampire hunters with Star of David throwing stars and spinning dredal drill stakes that the Santa Squad occasionally helps out to save Chanukah.
Jack Darkling - A parody of Jack Skellington from The Nightmare Before Christmas, retelling the story from the point of view of Christmas village dealing with an invasion of Halloween creatures out to steal Christmas magic to make their world more cheerful.
Ebinezer Scrooge - A Victorian sorcerer who was once kidnapped by three spirits, before turning the tables on them and capturing them, using their power to travel through time and ruin every year's Christmas one at a time.
The Fucking Martians - A recurring villain, hokey green Martians who periodically invade Earth to get revenge on Santa Claus for his past attempt at conquering their planet, which in turn inspired the classic movie.
The Dupes - Ready made Santa clones created by corporate store chains as a secret army of department store Santas, at war with an underground army of drunken hobo Santas angry at their jobs being stolen by dirty genetic duplicates.
Kandy Kane - A spoiled brat and heiress to the world's largest candy fortune, a teenage Veruca Salt out to take over Christmas Village to have all the good toys for herself.
Wendell Wetums - A Chucky-esque evil living doll taken off the market because his fake diaper wetting action was toxic. Able to animate toys around him into an army of artificial henchmen.
Dudley Dedly - The naughtiest little boy in the whole world, so terrible that he spreads malice wherever he goes.
Gordon The Elf - An elf who was imprisoned in a block of ice for trying to unionize the elf toy factory, now out for revenge against Santa's workshop.
Mordecai Meanie - The kid who never got what he wanted for Christmas, and grew up to become a vicious serial killer as a result. Ultimately out to kill Santa Claus to get revenge for his poor childhood.
The Grouch - A blue furred Grinch parody who comes every Christmas to steal presents from children. Eventually, an attempt to steal presents from orphans teaches him the value of the Christmas spirit, causing his heart to grow three sizes too big, killing him instantly.
No comments:
Post a Comment