Hey, remember that thing I wrote a little bit ago, where I talked about Critters a lot? You know, the thing you almost certainly didn't bother reading because you saw it was thirty paragraphs about Critters and wisely surmised that you had much more important things to do with your time? Yeah, that thing. Well, turns out I have more. I promised to come back with episode six in my imagined Critters finale, and because unlike all of you I actually don't have anything better to do, here it is. Warning: this is pretty long and cohesive and probably the single nerdiest thing I have ever written. Enjoy!
Critters 6: Planet of the Critters
Okay, the next and presumably last epic installment in the Critters franchise takes place a year or so after the previous one, with the human race in the grips of an all out war with the Albino's Critter army. The governments of the world have fallen and civilization is fragmented into various resistance movements, the largest of which is led by our heroes, Charlie McFadden and Ug. They live underground and on the outskirts, as the cities and public infrastructure are now controlled by the enemy. Their main base of operations is in the sewer system, the walls lined with the crystals that glow green in the Crites' presence as an early warning system (because we have to make Critters 3 relevant somehow).
Ug has been captured and taken to the Albino's central compound in the city, and the first part of the film revolves around Charlie's mission to get him back. As Ug is tied to a chair and tortured by the Albino for information, forcibly shape-shifting into various human and alien faces with the pain of every taser stab to the space testicles, Charlie and his team infiltrate the building. At one point when the team is stuck, a fellow Resistance fighter offers Charlie a swig from his flask, which he initially refuses, having not touched alcohol for years, but eventually relents and drinks. Soon they find Ug and Charlie manages to untie him. At some point a reference is made to the cannon Ug uses in previous films, and that the Crites took it, and that he wants it back, but they don't have time to retrieve it. As they are leaving, the group is almost caught by the Albino, and as they are hiding, Charlie begins to hear strange whispering voices in his head that he can't quite make out, which distract him and inadvertently cause him to reveal their presence. The room is flooded with Crites, and this forces a shoot out which leads to Charlie being mortally wounded during the escape.
Not willing to let his friend die, Ug decides to take Charlie's body to his home world, where he believes there is a medical ritual that can save his life, though it may not work, would take several weeks, and might transform him into something other than human. At this point we introduce the major love interest of the film, another resistance fighter who was on the mission to save Ug and shared a few fleeting glances with Charlie. She wants him to pull through, but can't see Ug abandoning them as a good thing. He ignores her and leaves in his space ship, as a mysterious man in rags watches him fly away from a distance outside. Meanwhile, the Albino is lead by his Critter underlings to a factory level of the compound and shown the progress of a project they are working on. The lights are turned on to reveal various pieces of industrial machinery and cages, the purposes of which are not made clear.
Ug and an unconscious Charlie make it to the Shape-shifter home world, only to receive a cool reception from the Shifters' administrative leader Hel, a man with whom Ug appears to have a prior relationship that went sour. He petitions the council of Shape-shifters to allow Charlie to undergo the Ritual of Harmony, something all Shape-shifters go through at a certain age to stabilize their shape-shifting ability, which goes crazy during their version of puberty. This would have a side effect of healing Charlie's wounds, but the council insists that this is not for outsiders. Ug gives a rousing speech about Charlie's heroism, and all the times his friend has saved his life, and convinces them to change their position. Charlie is placed into a vat of green slime and left to heal, while Ug moves on to another matter - recruiting an army to go back to Earth.
Back on Earth, the love interest (whose name is as always unimportant) looks up at the sky anxiously awaiting Ug and Charlie's return, indicating some time has passed. A raiding party returns from the fight and calls her back to look at something they have found. They put a hologrammatic disk into a display and activate it, revealing a design plan reflecting the factory interior seen earlier. Not everyone understands what it means, however the love interest soon realizes what the Albino is planning, but before she can vocalize it, the base's crystals turn green (See Critters 3 - that's how you use that plot device for dramatic effect!). We pan away and do not see the carnage, only hear it as resistance fighters scream and flesh is bitten into.
As Ug continues to plead with a hesitant council for them to join in the fight against their ancient enemy, Charlie dreams of his time as sheriff of Grover's Bend. His dream soon turns into a nightmare however, as the Critters invade, and a young girl picking flowers in a meadow turns around to reveal multiple rows of sharp Crite-like teeth. He awakes startled, but now healed. As Ug appears to almost lose the council for good, Charlie walks in, now bold and resolute, and gives a speech about the threat of the Crites. Unfortunately, the Shape-shifters still do not agree, and the two leave, with Hel looking on, appearing to be somewhat convinced.
They return to discover the base's condition. No one is left, and the installation is in ruins, the hologram generator smashed. They begin to search for survivors and see that down a long corridor, the crystals are glowing green. They follow it, only to find the man in rags from before, hunched over on the ground. When they approach he flees, and when they give chase, they are ambushed by similarly disheveled men. As we finally get a good look at them, we see that their teeth have been filed to points. The man in rags turns around to reveal that he is nursing a baby Crite, which has chewed off his nipple and is nibbling at the exposed flesh. Meanwhile, the love interest and some of the other resistance fighters are shown to be alive, held captive in the Albino's compound and confused about the humans now working for the Crites. One of the fighters is dragged away and taken to the factory room, where he is strapped to a chair and gagged. The machine is turned on and the chair tilts back and becomes a slab, allowing the man to see something up above him that terrifies him.
Ug and Charlie are led to what appears to be an abandoned church that the men in rags have taken over. On the cross at the pulpit, sharp bloody teeth have been imbedded into the wood. Here it is revealed that these men are a cult that has come to worship the Crites, becoming cannibals who eat not only other humans, but their own flesh, in honor of the hunger of those they serve. At first they worshiped from afar, but now they have been recruited by the Crites as a religious army, and they plan to sacrifice Ug and Charlie to their masters. Charlie begins to hear voices again like before, and realizes that they are coming from the infant Crite, still suckling on the old man's boob meat. The cult leader rambles on about their Gods building a great machine, but before he can finish, Ug begins to change his face, becoming the cult leader. We see behind his back that his wrists have shrunk and he slips through the ropes tying them up as the cult leader comes closer to look at Ug, who waits for just the right moment to head butt him. He then grabs Charlie and they both run, eventually escaping the angry cultists.
Hours later, the two have made camp and are discussing the days events. Charlie is confused about the voices he is hearing, but when he tells Ug about them, Ug reveals that he has heard of it before on other worlds, people with the ability to read the minds of other life forms, and that these people are believed to be destined to unite planets. Charlie mentions that he used to hear alien messages through his fillings when he was a drunk, but assumed he was just imagining things, and Ug suggests that maybe the alcohol, and now the effects of the ritual, relaxed his mind enough for his power to manifest. Ug is convinced that the Crites are building something in the compound, and suggests a recon mission to find out what it is.
At the compound, the love interest is taken by the guards to meet with the Albino, who shows her security camera footage of her together with Charlie and notes the obvious romantic connections. He interrogates her about Charlies whereabouts, but when she refuses to say anything, He has her taken to the machine. As this is happening, Ug and Charlie are sneaking back into the compound. They proceed to die hard their way through, methodically taking out Crites and cultists trying not to alert the horde. They see the other resistance fighters in chains and the Albino in an office above and decide to split up, with Charlie taking the Albino and Ug rescuing their comrades.
While Ug succeeds in freeing the remaining fighters including the love interest, Charlie fails in his mission, as when he gets close to the Albino, the voices kick up again, and he finally is able to hone in on what he is hearing. He understands what the Albino's plan is and almost throws up, but this again causes the Albino to see him coming and he alerts the guards. They try to fight but are quickly subdued, and a shocked Charlie tells Ug what he saw in the Albino's mind. Whereas before the Crites were always short sighted, eating until they ran out of food and then moving on to the next world, the Albino wants to create a system of sustainable meat by turning humans into cattle. The factory is revealed to be the first prototype of a human farm, similar to factory farms where cows and chickens are bred and processed for fast food restaurants, only with humans in the cages. The machine is an automatic meat grinder that fillets humans on an assembly line.
Just as all hope seems lost, suddenly the room is flooded with Shape-shifters, a squad revealed to be led by Hel in person, who convinced them to change their mind. A massive fire fight ensues with Shape-shifters and the Resistance on one side and Crites and cultists on the other, with several of those giant multi-Critter boulders thrown in for good measure. The Albino seems to have disappeared, and the love interest is grabbed and pulled off screen by an unseen hand in the middle of the fracas. When they realize both are missing, Ug and Charlie leave the battle to look for them, eventually finding them in the machine room. The love interest is tied to the machine and the Albino appears in his new form, riding a human suit! The resistance fighter who was placed in the machine before has apparently been converted into a cybernetic zombie controlled remotely by the Albino from a hollowed out command center in the stomach directly reminiscent of Krang from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. He says he had this made special as a prototype, and reveals that Ug's stolen cannon is attached to the right arm.
Charlie goes after the love interest, navigating the obstacle course of the machine's various platforms and blades to try to get to her before she is sliced up, while Ug fights the Albino bare handed with Shape-shifter kung fu. Charlie is able to get to the controls and stop the machine, then save his love interest, and while the Albino almost gets the upper hand, Ug is able to lure him to just the right spot and kick him into the chair, which Charlie then turns on, activating the machine and killing the Crite through the zombies stomach. Ug rips his cannon off of the zombie's arm and walks off triumphantly.
Out in the other room, the Shape-shifters and Resistance fighters have gotten the upper hand as well and are wrapping up the battle. They all agree that this has struck a blow to the Crites and they will now move on to the other enemy bases throughout the world and liberate the planet. Hel walks over to Ug and passionate kisses him, revealing that the two were formerly lovers. Charlie remarks that in all this time, he didn't realize Ug was gay, but Ug reminds him that Shape-shifters have no gender, and this is not a concern of theirs. Charlie and the love interest share a kiss of their own as the good guys cheer and the credits roll.
THE END
Yes, I assure you, that all just happened, and I would submit that by now, the question has become not simply, "Did you cum in your pants?" but, "How hard did you cum in your pants?" Hope you enjoyed yourselves, and stay tuned for a sort of informal part 3 with more hypothetical sequels to other movies I like (because yes, I do like other movies besides ones with Critters in them), and also other stuff. See you soon!
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