Recently,
I read an article online that mentioned how William Fichtner, a
character actor I almost always enjoy (most recently in the absurdest indie comedy Wrong), had been cast in the new Michael Bay produced
live action re-launch of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles franchise.
Up to this point, I was not aware that this film was still in
production, as the last thing I had heard about it was that it had
been postponed indefinitely as a result of the collective Internet
pants wetting over the whole Teenage Mutant Alien Turtles
non-controversy. On the second episode of my podcast I'm on record
expressing my exasperation with the misplaced nerd rage of last year,
and on this very blog I've talked about my general ambivalence
concerning the original cartoon. Still, this news of the film's
continued existence got me thinking about how I would do it myself,
and here's what I came up with.
First
off, obviously I would do it as a trilogy, as that's pretty much a
pre-requisite at this point with any big genre franchise. The first
movie would go the Amazing Spiderman route, re-telling the origin
story and presenting a traditional Turtles versus Shredder tale to set
the stage for a more expansive exploration of the canon elements than
the previous trilogy ever did. I'm thinking two tiers, one following
the Foot Clan trying to take over the criminal enterprises of the
city, and the other following the Shredder's personal vendetta
against Splinter. The one twist, in the final climactic battle, as
the Turtles rescue their newest friend April O'Neil from an army of
ninjas, Splinter and Shredder face off on the roof of the TCRI building, only for both to seemingly plummet to their deaths,
Reichenbach Falls style.
The
epilogue of the movie would focus on two characters to be featured
more heavily in the sequels, the first being a seemingly minor
character appearing throughout this first film. He would come off as
a bystander, constantly being rescued, or finding himself witness to
the bizarre events of the movie. With the very public reveal of
mysterious creatures in a major metropolitan building, this story
thread ends with this character watching a news report of an urban
legend involving four large green monsters, and we see that this
person has decided to take the law into his own hands as he sees his
city falling into chaos, pulling on a suit of makeshift armor,
revealing him to be Casey Jones. The other character would be BaxterStockman, who shows up in the Mayor's office with an offer to help
eradicate the city's newest pest problem, placing a large metal box
on the desk containing something with two glowing red eyes.
The
second film in the trilogy would open with the Turtles demoralized
and under assault from all sides. Their master is dead, and Leonardostruggles to maintain his leadership and keep the family together
while Raphael routinely goes out on his own, eventually running afoul
of Casey Jones. Meanwhile, Baxter Stockman unleashes his Turtle
hunting Mousers upon the city, as well as a new breed of android Foot
ninja, flanked at all times by two lunkheaded city officials hired by
the Mayor to monitor the situation. Casey Jones would quickly become
an ally, and Stockman would be in constant communication with a
mysterious benefactor, later seen to be a still living Shredder. It
will also be hinted at that Stockman was involved in the experiment
that led to the ooze that created the Turtles, TCRI being a front for
a darker conspiracy.
In
the end, the Mousers will infiltrate the Turtle's sewer lair and
self destruct, collapsing their home all around them and apparently
killing them. The epilogue would lead into the finale with Stockman
revealing that his real benefactor is not the Shredder, but rather
their mutual master Krang. It is here that we would discover that
this whole plot was simply a ploy to attain DNA samples from the
Turtles to synthesize the ooze that made them, in order to create an
army of mutants. The first test subjects, Baxter's two government
flunkies, are turned into the film's versions of Bebop and
Rocksteady. We would end on April O'Neil and Casey Jones mourning the
apparent loss of their friends, as we see underneath the city, the
Technodrome is being excavated.
The
third and final film would start with revealing that the Turtles were
saved by The Rat King, an enigmatic homeless man telepathically
controlling rats who lived in the sewers all along and helps them
recuperate. He eventually becomes something of their new master,
training them to take on this new threat they face, unaware that the
Rat King is indifferent to humanity and secretly wants both sides to
destroy each other so that the rats can take over. Meanwhile we see
enemies gathering their forces as Krang, a newly cybernetic Super
Shredder, and Baxter Stockman are building a massive army of mutants
to take over the surface, and a new antagonist, the warrioress Karai has re-unified the original Foot clan under her control as Lady Shredder.
The
final film would culminate in the epic battle across New York City as
the Technodrome rises from the Earth, leading an army of mutants,
mostly sewer rats stolen from The Rat King (who would have
manipulated this situation to his benefit, eventually taking control
of this army for himself after the battle to set up possible sequels
beyond). The Turtles and Casey Jones would team up with Karai's new
Foot Clan against the mutant horde, with Karai ultimately fighting
her cybernetic former mentor, seeing him as abdicating his calling to
the Clan. Through all of this, Stockman's attempts to create his
mutant army resulted in his own DNA being mixed with a fly, leading
to a gradual Brundelfly-esque transformation.
Of
course the good guys save the day in the end, infiltrating the
Technodrome and taking on not only the mutated Bebop and Rocksteady,
but also Krang himself in his super suit, sending him and the largest
bulk of his forces back through the portal into Dimension X. The
movie would end with April and Casey seeing the first glimmers of a
burgeoning romantic relationship, Karai consolidating her control of
the city's criminal underworld and preparing for a coming war with
the Turtles, and The Rat King corralling his new super powered
subjects, revealing that he has secretly discovered and mended the
body of Splinter, who wakes up in the final scene.
After
seeing Pain and Gain, I'm more excited about the Bay-ified TMNT
remake than I once was. I think Bay's latest film is proof positive
of my theory that he has always been more self-aware than most
critics give him credit for (most notably in his masterpiece of
understated self-parody, Transformers 2: Rise Of The Fallen). The
news article I read concerning William Fichtner theorized that he
might be cast as the Shredder, which I doubt, and as much as I like
the guy, I do not think he would be right for the part. I'd go Jet
Li, whose old enough now that he could probably pull off the gravitas
needed for it. As for the Turtles themselves, since they're just
going to be voices and motion capture, I'd say go back to the 90's.
Hell, Corey Feldman could still pull that shit off, and maybe throw
in Will Friedle in there somewhere.
For
April O'Neil, I'd go with a newly returned red head Emma Stone over
the current choice of Megan Fox, and for Casey Jones, as much as I
haven't always liked him in the past, I'm thinking Johnny Knoxville.
Fichtner might actually be a good choice for the voice of Splinter
now that I think about it, or the Rat King in the third installment
(though I was thinking a somewhat zombified looking Doug Jones for
the latter character). For Baxter Stockman, I'd cast Tim Blake Nelson
(the skinny guy from Oh, Brother Where Art Thou, and Samuel
Sterns/The Leader from The Incredible Hulk) and Karai would go to
Maggie Q from Nikita.
Again,
I was never the biggest fan of this series in any of its incarnations
outside of the toys, which for some reason I had quite a sizable
collection of despite my casual indifference to the source material.
I'm not well-versed enough in the minutiae of this canon to know if
and where my treatment might step on any nerdy toes, except to know
enough not to throw in those Tricerotops aliens. In any case, this is
the TMNT movie series I'd want to see. Well, I'd also have that
Samurai Rabbit guy in it, but I'm pretty sure that would violate a
copyright somewhere.
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